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Fiction is Not "f*cking waste of time"


Noel Gallagher recently proclaimed to the world that in his opinion reading fiction is a "f*cking waste of time". I've never been a fan of Oasis well apart from a one night out where it seemed important to learn the lyrics to Wonder-wall as social pressure mounted upon my naive bones. I find their music overrated and oversubscribed (there I said), now the stoning by Oasis fans can begin.

Anyway for those like me who find Noel Gallagher asinine, mundane and lacking in common sense, you might agree with me that his opinions are silly and to demonstrate this, I've listed three good reasons why reading fiction is not "f*cking waste of time".

1.  Fiction teaches you about Sex. I'm not saying that you can't learn about sex in non-fiction I'm saying you learn about healthy relationships, dysfunctional and sexual relationships. You learn that sex is a normal part of life guaranteed you don’t take Fifty Shades of Grey as a bible for sexual relationships.
2. Without fiction I wouldn't be able to fall in love over and over again. The first book boy I feel in love with happened to be Michael from the Princess Diaries; he was charming and very sexy. Then Darcy came along and then I had a brief interlude with David Copperfield and so on and so forth. 
3. Fiction is real life glossed over, many authors take aspects of their lives and fictionalize them, for example Marian Keyes's depression influenced Watermelon.

Celebrity Autobiographies

It's no secret I hate biographies.  I walked into my local book store today and the first thing I see: Celebrity Autobiographies. Everywhere I turned, another celebrity faced popped up with wax smiles, botoxed faces and insipid life stories.   

Every year we are plagued by them from wannabe pop stars to reality television stars.   They are badly written, self imposing and void of humor. My question therefore is: why do Celebrities feel the need to publicize their private lives? Surely if I cared enough I would be able to find this information on Wikipedia or Dailymail. 

This week Morrissey published his Autobiography, a "penguin classic" that has gripped the world. I decided not to purchase the Autobiography because I couldn't care less about Morrissey- sorry Morrissey fans. He might be a genius but by God he's tedious.  He is outspoken outlandish comment remind me of a child in an expensive pram playing with his golden dummy whilst complaining that his shoes aren't made of the finest silk.  He's a musician and can therefore be given a pass for selfish navel gazing however I still think he's the most tedious man in England. He's made me hate celebrity autobiographies even more. 

"Morrissey is like that annoying girl who finds out you’re a vegetarian and is all like “oh but you should be a vegan”. And when she finds out your a vegan, she’s all like “but are you a raw vegan? organic? huh?"

Teen Scene

I blame Paul Jennings's Tongue-Tied.

One day in Year 7 my brother brought a book home; Tongue-Tied. He bragged for hours as he does about everything in life that Paul Jennings was the best writer in the world. I disagreed as I do about most things he says. I said Jacqueline Wilson was by far the best author in the entire world and to prove that I was right I set about reading both authors and in the process I fell in love with reading. I carried on reading and discovered Malorie Blackman, Melvin Burgess, Anthony Harowitz and Meg Cabot were all brilliant, imaginative authors who told stories which were sensitive, truthful and compelling. 

Tongue Tied 

A strange and startling new collection from this great teller of fantastic tales. Just a taste - Jason keeps his dead mother's hat as a memento and is fiercely possessive of it, taking it with him to the wildlife sanctuary where his father lives. His father gives him a gruelling task that results in a terrible choice - the hat will save a life and reveal an astonishing truth.

 In another story, there's a court case to determine the fate of Sandy, the family's smelly dog, and an old man gives new meaning to "speaking through your bottom". 

Then, when is kissing not kissing? The distinction gets blurred for Jeremy after he buys the love of his life a guppy for her birthday.

Vicky Angel

Jade and Vicky are best friends, but when Vicky is killed in an accident she doesn't let a little old thing like being dead interfere with her life. Instead, she continues as normal, following Jade around, telling her what to do, how to think, how to behave and ruining any chance Jade may have to make new friends. 

Eventually Jade tires of it all, and although she still loves Vicky deeply, she realises she has to get on with her own life.

Noughts and Crosses

Sephy and Callum have been best friends since childhood, and now they are older and they realise they want more from each other. But the harsh realities of lives lived in a segregated society are beginning to take their toll: Callum is a nought--a second-class citizen in a world dominated by the Crosses--and Sephy is a Cross, and the daughter of one of the most powerful men in the country. 

The barriers they would have to cross to be together at first seem little more than minor obstacles to the two idealistic teenagers, but soon those barriers threaten not only their friendship but their lives.

Point Blank 

Investigations into the "accidental" deaths of two of the world's most powerful men have revealed just one link: both had a son attending Point Blanc Academy — an exclusive school for rebellious rich kids, run by the sinister Dr Grief and set high on an isolated mountain peak in the French Alps. Armed only with a false ID and a new collection of brilliantly disguised gadgets, Alex must infiltrate the academy as a pupil and establish the truth about what is really happening there.







Doing It

Dino really fancies fit, sexy Jackie, but she just won't give him what he wants. Jonathan likes Deborah, but she's a bit fat - what will his mates say? Ben's been secretly shagging his teacher for ages. He used to love it, but what if he wants it to stop? Three lads discovering sex for the first time. But do any of them really know what they're doing?










The Princess Diaries 

It's nearly Mia's ffiteenth birthday. A time when a princess should be looking forward to total self-actualization. 

And getting ready for the biggest night of her life - the senior prom, escorted by her ultra-hottie boyfriend, Michael. But nothing's going according to plan. It's bad enough that Mia's facing a summer of sceptre-wielding in Genovia. Even worse is the fact that the man of her dreams has neglected to invite her to the prom at all. Hello, what exactly is going ON there? Just as Mia cooks up a plan to change Michael's mind, disaster strikes. 

The kind of disaster that only a mirale can overcome. A miracle called Grandmere...